Mental Health Crisis | How I am Surviving

It began slowly, yet crept up so fast there was no explanation other than stress. Working two jobs, which by the way I love, and going to school pushed my mental health to its limits. I got the needed help but sometimes during those reflections and refreshers to bring back stability becomes a reality that time isn't always enough. Sometimes we need a new space, a change in the weather, someone to simply as the song states... "would you lie with me and just forget the world." I strolled through the blue skied woodland area of our park and honestly just wanted to lay down and stare up at the blooming trees and their contrasting colours against the sky. During that time in the park, I let my heart speak and I noted each thought that flowed through. I wanted to share those thoughts so that maybe one person, one day may find this and see that they are not alone. Here is the flow of words that came whilst I was walking around.


"My brain and my heart want to run and run in countless ways. But part of me knows to take on footstep at a time. They don't tell you that that's what happens. No one tells you that one day something will go terribly wrong. Those who seem to notice are the ones you don't see very often. No one told you something is wrong because they were completely blind to it. Something in your mind is telling your heart to run but it doesn't know where to run to. Things begin to fade and anger begins to rage. You feel something is so wrong but you're too scared to know where you've been before and that is where you are now. The mind and body melting together that the brain thought would never come back. We are all too familiar with the pain and racing thoughts, the horrible anger, and why is it coming back."


That was something really hard to read to type into this blog. My heart weighs very heavy and it still is an all too familiar situation that I am working through. When I am here, I am here, and that means it takes a long time to release the stress, the hurt, the anger, the disappointment, the sickening feeling of depression despair that comes with darkness and sometimes dark moments where sharp objects simply must be put away. Sometimes even wearing long sleeved blouses or jackets make me feel like I have so much to hide when they are all healed scars. There is nothing new to hide, but that sick feeling that you must hide, turn off the phone, disconnect the internet, and blacken the windows all so that you can breathe. It is a constant panic attack that no amount of breathing exercises or an inhaler can calm. It isn't that I cannot function on a humanistic level of actually breathing. It is that tight, claustrophobic feeling like if you stop smiling, stop pretending then that wall isn't tight and you are in a bubble. You are now a raging current that will suck in anything in its path.

I do not know where the day goes or when the happiness sparks through but those moments exist and when those moments break through, I take every blink of the eye to capture it so that I may put it in a jar to open when it is all too dark.

Someone, one day, will hopefully find this, read it, and realise that they are not alone. They are never alone. NEVER.

The Greatest Thief of All

Depression is the greatest thief there is. It robs us of our hope, joy, passion, and most of all our life. I am sliding again into that black hole. That feeling like there is no hope for things to be okay again. Even though, when caught in time, my depression releases its horrible grip. However, right now I feel like there is quicksand all around me, no matter where I move I sink deeper and deeper. It hurts. It hurts not just me but my family and friends. I lash out in anger because it's the only reaction my body seems to be able to explore. All I know is that I don't want to be in this space. I don't want this darkness yet I find the light dwindling down.  As they say depression is a subtle illness that just creeps up and starts to nibble at you until you are left with a few pieces left. That is how it always starts. Slow progression until I am enveloped in darkness. I need to put the emergency brakes on before the light goes out. It is not that I am scared that things won't get better, I am scared that this will "have to get worse before it gets better" kind of thing.

This is a scary place. Nothing exists but blank stares while your brain works overtime try to understand the most basics of task. I just want this wait of sadness and tears to ease. They will always be there but I need a lighter load to carry.

Things do get better. I know. I have very Mich experience with this. But each time has its own battles. Just say a prayer for me. Maybe leave a comment below. Or just ignore this and move on.

Just know you are never alone.

Life on Medicine

Taking medicine has been a normal everyday part of my life for the last five years to treat bipolar disorder. It is a daily struggle to look at my medicine boxes and think that this is what I have to do to stay "sane," "normal," and "a productive member of society."  However, when you neglect your medicine things go wrong very quickly.

For me, right now, I am having a rough time with being overly tired and being lack-lustre, not having the mental energy to do normal household chores, write my blog, film my YouTube videos, and it takes an extreme amount of kicking my own butt to get ready for work and be in the mind-set to be at work fully aware and busy.

So for today, I decided I would ask to have my seroquel xr to be decreased from 600mg to 400mg in hopes that I will be able to get the sleep I need without having to sleep three or four hours during the day just to have energy at night. It has been very trial-some to try and fight off this exhausted feeling. I know I am getting a decent quality of sleep, but it just is mentally not enough. My brain does not want to function. I am making a better catatonic creature than a human being since I can sit in front of either my computer or my phone and watch videos non-stop. However, when it comes to reading I read a paragraph and then my mind just goes blank.

Take this as a little warning to know yourself and your medicine. I know for me, changing my dose of seroquel is what helps stabilize my moods, keep psychosis in check, and to aide in sleeping. I know that I can adjust the dosing amount because I have been on seroquel long enough to know what dosage helps during what season. For me, things change season to season. So please, head these words to take care of yourself and your medicine. Don't just sit back and let yourself be consumed by society and what is supposed to work and what doesn't. You know what is best for you. Stand up and speak to your doctor, that is what they are there for. Having a mental illness can be a chore if you let it be.

Shower Challenge: Cold Shower