Mental Health Crisis | How I am Surviving

It began slowly, yet crept up so fast there was no explanation other than stress. Working two jobs, which by the way I love, and going to school pushed my mental health to its limits. I got the needed help but sometimes during those reflections and refreshers to bring back stability becomes a reality that time isn't always enough. Sometimes we need a new space, a change in the weather, someone to simply as the song states... "would you lie with me and just forget the world." I strolled through the blue skied woodland area of our park and honestly just wanted to lay down and stare up at the blooming trees and their contrasting colours against the sky. During that time in the park, I let my heart speak and I noted each thought that flowed through. I wanted to share those thoughts so that maybe one person, one day may find this and see that they are not alone. Here is the flow of words that came whilst I was walking around.


"My brain and my heart want to run and run in countless ways. But part of me knows to take on footstep at a time. They don't tell you that that's what happens. No one tells you that one day something will go terribly wrong. Those who seem to notice are the ones you don't see very often. No one told you something is wrong because they were completely blind to it. Something in your mind is telling your heart to run but it doesn't know where to run to. Things begin to fade and anger begins to rage. You feel something is so wrong but you're too scared to know where you've been before and that is where you are now. The mind and body melting together that the brain thought would never come back. We are all too familiar with the pain and racing thoughts, the horrible anger, and why is it coming back."


That was something really hard to read to type into this blog. My heart weighs very heavy and it still is an all too familiar situation that I am working through. When I am here, I am here, and that means it takes a long time to release the stress, the hurt, the anger, the disappointment, the sickening feeling of depression despair that comes with darkness and sometimes dark moments where sharp objects simply must be put away. Sometimes even wearing long sleeved blouses or jackets make me feel like I have so much to hide when they are all healed scars. There is nothing new to hide, but that sick feeling that you must hide, turn off the phone, disconnect the internet, and blacken the windows all so that you can breathe. It is a constant panic attack that no amount of breathing exercises or an inhaler can calm. It isn't that I cannot function on a humanistic level of actually breathing. It is that tight, claustrophobic feeling like if you stop smiling, stop pretending then that wall isn't tight and you are in a bubble. You are now a raging current that will suck in anything in its path.

I do not know where the day goes or when the happiness sparks through but those moments exist and when those moments break through, I take every blink of the eye to capture it so that I may put it in a jar to open when it is all too dark.

Someone, one day, will hopefully find this, read it, and realise that they are not alone. They are never alone. NEVER.

Losing A Loved One and My Grieving Process

After losing my aunt one day before her 73rd birthday, I think of the five stages of grieving. Growing up she was a second mother, taking care of my sister and myself when my parents were at work. She helped us with homework, life skills, spirituality, and most of all, teaching us how deep love runs. I still believe had I spoken so much earlier, I honestly believe she would still be here. However, I do also recognise she is no longer in any pain, no longer relying on dialysis to keep her kidneys functioning. All of her pain and sufferings has come to an end but where does that leave my pain?

This is where I am trying to understand the grieving process. I am past the denial simply because there was no denying how sick she was and knowing that her condition was continuing to decrease quickly day by day until that Friday.

Anger:  Oh F...k yeah I am pissed. I am so pissed off at the nursing home, mainly the "nursing" staff that I could obviously do their job better than they did in their two years of care she was within them. That pisses me off the most is that I could tell how sick she was and they always gave me a shovelled answer.

Bargaining:  This is where I am.  I am in that place where I knew she wasn't just having a chest cold that lingered well into six months. I keep thinking that I could have pulled the P.O.A and have an updated chest x-ray to show that indeed she had pneumonia. I keep thinking if only, if only, if only. From here I don't know where to go. I feel it is my fault that I didn't act sooner. I know I myself didn't fully measure just how bad she had gotten weeks earlier then she may still be here. I'd give anything to be able to have taken her out of the f...king nursing home that deserves a lawsuit.

Depression:  I don't know if I will actually go through this phase because I take anti-depressant medication thanks to Bipolar Disorder. My counselor comes into play at this point. I am completely terrified that I am going to hit a very low depression as the weeks go by. The longer time goes, I believe that I will find myself in a much darker place than I find myself in right now.

Acceptance:  I haven't gotten here yet. I cannot get past the bargaining stage because I feel it is my fault.


In the end, I am scared to see what the next day, the next week, month, and year will bring because she won't be there. She won't get to see me and my sister graduate college. She won't be there when I say my vows. Not only is my dad gone but now my mother figure is gone too. I am thankful that I still have my mum. I still have one last parent to look to. I feel like maybe my medicine will need to be tweaked and managed in a way that changes more than my medicine has changed in years. I know I need to up my therapy sessions. I know that it gets worse before it ever gets better. I know. However, it doesn't matter how much I know, it is the journey that I must tread through until I meet acceptance.

Prayers and thoughts will always be deeply appreciated from anyone who reads to the end.
I thank my family and friends who have surrounded themselves around us to keep us tied together. I just don't know where this new journey will take me and that scares me the most.

The Greatest Thief of All

Depression is the greatest thief there is. It robs us of our hope, joy, passion, and most of all our life. I am sliding again into that black hole. That feeling like there is no hope for things to be okay again. Even though, when caught in time, my depression releases its horrible grip. However, right now I feel like there is quicksand all around me, no matter where I move I sink deeper and deeper. It hurts. It hurts not just me but my family and friends. I lash out in anger because it's the only reaction my body seems to be able to explore. All I know is that I don't want to be in this space. I don't want this darkness yet I find the light dwindling down.  As they say depression is a subtle illness that just creeps up and starts to nibble at you until you are left with a few pieces left. That is how it always starts. Slow progression until I am enveloped in darkness. I need to put the emergency brakes on before the light goes out. It is not that I am scared that things won't get better, I am scared that this will "have to get worse before it gets better" kind of thing.

This is a scary place. Nothing exists but blank stares while your brain works overtime try to understand the most basics of task. I just want this wait of sadness and tears to ease. They will always be there but I need a lighter load to carry.

Things do get better. I know. I have very Mich experience with this. But each time has its own battles. Just say a prayer for me. Maybe leave a comment below. Or just ignore this and move on.

Just know you are never alone.

Summer sunburns and my scars... tw

This summer has just disappeared before our very eyes as we near the end of July. School starts in three weeks!!  Where did it all go??

I know for me I continued on Latuda which having an extra anti-depressant made me depressed in a sense. My summer has been spent inside curled on the couch staring blankly at a wall. I didn't feel depressed but I showed every symptom. I am a summer girl. This is my season. This year it hasn't been until a few days ago. No longer on Latuda I have found energy and drive to do the things I have been dying to do.

Here is the triggering part.

I recently laid out at the pool and sure enough I was once again sunburnt. But I noticed something I had in my previous burns (2)  is that my scars on my left arm bore a red tint bringing them almost back to life. They were so dominant that looking at my arm even for the slightest second made me feel so uncomfortable.  Now that the redness of the skin has subsided the marks return to their white state, but again, with tanned skin they are more prominent.

At this point, I have been have flashbacks and find everything triggering that I want to self-harm all over again. So far I have managed not to but I watched the TWLOHA movie for the first time and I had no idea I would be triggered so much that I couldn't finish the movie. I know Renee's story so it isn't like I missed anything. I just found it all too much to continue to watch as she held the same blades I used and it was all just so breath-taking that I had to go sit with my Bible to get my mind back on track.

We must be vigilant in our recovery not to become so overwhelmed that we are one step way too close to starting the cycle all over. You are loved. We are all loved and we are not alone as TWLOHA is based upon.

My summer is getting better though it is quickly ending. There will be plenty of fun-filled days that lay ahead and I can't wait to share them with you.

Life on Medicine

Taking medicine has been a normal everyday part of my life for the last five years to treat bipolar disorder. It is a daily struggle to look at my medicine boxes and think that this is what I have to do to stay "sane," "normal," and "a productive member of society."  However, when you neglect your medicine things go wrong very quickly.

For me, right now, I am having a rough time with being overly tired and being lack-lustre, not having the mental energy to do normal household chores, write my blog, film my YouTube videos, and it takes an extreme amount of kicking my own butt to get ready for work and be in the mind-set to be at work fully aware and busy.

So for today, I decided I would ask to have my seroquel xr to be decreased from 600mg to 400mg in hopes that I will be able to get the sleep I need without having to sleep three or four hours during the day just to have energy at night. It has been very trial-some to try and fight off this exhausted feeling. I know I am getting a decent quality of sleep, but it just is mentally not enough. My brain does not want to function. I am making a better catatonic creature than a human being since I can sit in front of either my computer or my phone and watch videos non-stop. However, when it comes to reading I read a paragraph and then my mind just goes blank.

Take this as a little warning to know yourself and your medicine. I know for me, changing my dose of seroquel is what helps stabilize my moods, keep psychosis in check, and to aide in sleeping. I know that I can adjust the dosing amount because I have been on seroquel long enough to know what dosage helps during what season. For me, things change season to season. So please, head these words to take care of yourself and your medicine. Don't just sit back and let yourself be consumed by society and what is supposed to work and what doesn't. You know what is best for you. Stand up and speak to your doctor, that is what they are there for. Having a mental illness can be a chore if you let it be.