Mental Health Crisis | How I am Surviving

It began slowly, yet crept up so fast there was no explanation other than stress. Working two jobs, which by the way I love, and going to school pushed my mental health to its limits. I got the needed help but sometimes during those reflections and refreshers to bring back stability becomes a reality that time isn't always enough. Sometimes we need a new space, a change in the weather, someone to simply as the song states... "would you lie with me and just forget the world." I strolled through the blue skied woodland area of our park and honestly just wanted to lay down and stare up at the blooming trees and their contrasting colours against the sky. During that time in the park, I let my heart speak and I noted each thought that flowed through. I wanted to share those thoughts so that maybe one person, one day may find this and see that they are not alone. Here is the flow of words that came whilst I was walking around.


"My brain and my heart want to run and run in countless ways. But part of me knows to take on footstep at a time. They don't tell you that that's what happens. No one tells you that one day something will go terribly wrong. Those who seem to notice are the ones you don't see very often. No one told you something is wrong because they were completely blind to it. Something in your mind is telling your heart to run but it doesn't know where to run to. Things begin to fade and anger begins to rage. You feel something is so wrong but you're too scared to know where you've been before and that is where you are now. The mind and body melting together that the brain thought would never come back. We are all too familiar with the pain and racing thoughts, the horrible anger, and why is it coming back."


That was something really hard to read to type into this blog. My heart weighs very heavy and it still is an all too familiar situation that I am working through. When I am here, I am here, and that means it takes a long time to release the stress, the hurt, the anger, the disappointment, the sickening feeling of depression despair that comes with darkness and sometimes dark moments where sharp objects simply must be put away. Sometimes even wearing long sleeved blouses or jackets make me feel like I have so much to hide when they are all healed scars. There is nothing new to hide, but that sick feeling that you must hide, turn off the phone, disconnect the internet, and blacken the windows all so that you can breathe. It is a constant panic attack that no amount of breathing exercises or an inhaler can calm. It isn't that I cannot function on a humanistic level of actually breathing. It is that tight, claustrophobic feeling like if you stop smiling, stop pretending then that wall isn't tight and you are in a bubble. You are now a raging current that will suck in anything in its path.

I do not know where the day goes or when the happiness sparks through but those moments exist and when those moments break through, I take every blink of the eye to capture it so that I may put it in a jar to open when it is all too dark.

Someone, one day, will hopefully find this, read it, and realise that they are not alone. They are never alone. NEVER.

Losing A Loved One and My Grieving Process

After losing my aunt one day before her 73rd birthday, I think of the five stages of grieving. Growing up she was a second mother, taking care of my sister and myself when my parents were at work. She helped us with homework, life skills, spirituality, and most of all, teaching us how deep love runs. I still believe had I spoken so much earlier, I honestly believe she would still be here. However, I do also recognise she is no longer in any pain, no longer relying on dialysis to keep her kidneys functioning. All of her pain and sufferings has come to an end but where does that leave my pain?

This is where I am trying to understand the grieving process. I am past the denial simply because there was no denying how sick she was and knowing that her condition was continuing to decrease quickly day by day until that Friday.

Anger:  Oh F...k yeah I am pissed. I am so pissed off at the nursing home, mainly the "nursing" staff that I could obviously do their job better than they did in their two years of care she was within them. That pisses me off the most is that I could tell how sick she was and they always gave me a shovelled answer.

Bargaining:  This is where I am.  I am in that place where I knew she wasn't just having a chest cold that lingered well into six months. I keep thinking that I could have pulled the P.O.A and have an updated chest x-ray to show that indeed she had pneumonia. I keep thinking if only, if only, if only. From here I don't know where to go. I feel it is my fault that I didn't act sooner. I know I myself didn't fully measure just how bad she had gotten weeks earlier then she may still be here. I'd give anything to be able to have taken her out of the f...king nursing home that deserves a lawsuit.

Depression:  I don't know if I will actually go through this phase because I take anti-depressant medication thanks to Bipolar Disorder. My counselor comes into play at this point. I am completely terrified that I am going to hit a very low depression as the weeks go by. The longer time goes, I believe that I will find myself in a much darker place than I find myself in right now.

Acceptance:  I haven't gotten here yet. I cannot get past the bargaining stage because I feel it is my fault.


In the end, I am scared to see what the next day, the next week, month, and year will bring because she won't be there. She won't get to see me and my sister graduate college. She won't be there when I say my vows. Not only is my dad gone but now my mother figure is gone too. I am thankful that I still have my mum. I still have one last parent to look to. I feel like maybe my medicine will need to be tweaked and managed in a way that changes more than my medicine has changed in years. I know I need to up my therapy sessions. I know that it gets worse before it ever gets better. I know. However, it doesn't matter how much I know, it is the journey that I must tread through until I meet acceptance.

Prayers and thoughts will always be deeply appreciated from anyone who reads to the end.
I thank my family and friends who have surrounded themselves around us to keep us tied together. I just don't know where this new journey will take me and that scares me the most.