Such an Opposite

To me, de-cluttering and having a sort through, would be therapeutic and a stress revealer, but it has been so stressful and upsetting that doing a small simple task makes me upset, pissy, and just mean. I don't mean to say "what" in a negative harsh tone. I simply am trying to focus on the few things my brain can seem to focus on and then, when interrupted, I tend to throw a "what" in a rude way even when I am just simply asking what. 

I always found it very therapeutic to go through my clothes and get them in the wash and put away. Now I look at the pile growing and then overflowing the hamper and I just get angry and sad because I feel like I am failing as a human being. Like, I feel at this point in my life laundry and tidying up shouldn't be such a chore that would create such a mental break down as I have been experiencing. 

How did I become so opposite? When did de-cluttering your life become more stressful than leaving it a mess? Am I in a depressed state that I don't want to recognise, let alone admit to it? Every little task seems to be overwhelming and just the thought of taking the laundry out and putting it away makes me want to scream and yell but to no avail. It is not someone else's responsibility to hang up my two jumpers and three work shirts. Heck, that as I am typing seems so insignificant but doing it makes me feel so weak and frustrated. What is wrong with me? What has happened?

Can someone please help me? I'm drowning and I'm too tired to keep afloat. 

 

The Greatest Thief of All

Depression is the greatest thief there is. It robs us of our hope, joy, passion, and most of all our life. I am sliding again into that black hole. That feeling like there is no hope for things to be okay again. Even though, when caught in time, my depression releases its horrible grip. However, right now I feel like there is quicksand all around me, no matter where I move I sink deeper and deeper. It hurts. It hurts not just me but my family and friends. I lash out in anger because it's the only reaction my body seems to be able to explore. All I know is that I don't want to be in this space. I don't want this darkness yet I find the light dwindling down.  As they say depression is a subtle illness that just creeps up and starts to nibble at you until you are left with a few pieces left. That is how it always starts. Slow progression until I am enveloped in darkness. I need to put the emergency brakes on before the light goes out. It is not that I am scared that things won't get better, I am scared that this will "have to get worse before it gets better" kind of thing.

This is a scary place. Nothing exists but blank stares while your brain works overtime try to understand the most basics of task. I just want this wait of sadness and tears to ease. They will always be there but I need a lighter load to carry.

Things do get better. I know. I have very Mich experience with this. But each time has its own battles. Just say a prayer for me. Maybe leave a comment below. Or just ignore this and move on.

Just know you are never alone.

Freedom! Network and My YouTube Channel

It has been over two and a half months since I was approached by Freedom! to partner with their network. It has been very interesting to see what networks do for small channels. So far I have not really earned any money, actually they took money from my account that was accumulated on my channel prior to partnership. I have gained three... three viewers. The more the time goes and the more I read about Freedom! and those that are partners on the forums, it is sad to see how small channels get offered these "amazing" things from a network that doesn't care about them unless you have over one-hundred thousand viewers. I have fifty-five viewers and very little views on my videos.

 I know I don't have the most expensive camera or the proper lighting but the quality of my videos are rather pretty decent. It is disheartening that small channels are preyed on just so that this network can write themselves another check while my channel sits and festers. Even within Freedom! there are hidden marks. They have forums set up for the community to chat but you cannot talk about your new videos or even your channel unless you have posted some hundred or more forum posts.... which in my case, the forum doesn't even operate at a rate of any other webpage. How can you grow a channel through a network if that network essentially gags you from asking people to simply watch a video or two. Heck, it is seriously wrong to ask for subscribers.

With all that I have learned, through my own research, and that of those in the forums that I have read, joining a network as a small channel was the worst idea I could have ever made with my channel.

I hope that since I have disconnected from Freedom! and DropBackTV hopefully, hopefully, I will have my original simple YouTube partnership and my channel will start to grow more as I stay away from networks who prey on small channels.

What do you think? What are your views on partnering with networks?