May Favourites 2015

Shower Challenge: Cold Shower

From Past to Present

By the numbers and map notes, my "blast from the past" journal entries are succeeding more than I thought.

Today I am doing better. This is thanks to those moments, learning more about myself and how my illness changes and waves about.

I plan on posting more and doing another past to present post. 

Like and share. 

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Twitter: @thin_as_air

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Love With Food

Love With Food

4 March 2014

After adding 200 mg of Seroquel, life has evened out. Friday 28 Feb was a horrible nightmare. I was a total wreck completely through Saturday. As I went to take Saturday's moning meds I discovered that I never took Friday mornings medicing. Viibryd missing in my system, just one does is enough to send me into a tail spin. Once Saturday's Viibryd kicked in life seems to have resumed to balance.

Today my moods are stable, no shifting from one to the other, just even.

I am glad I got to see Cindy before the 12th or I would probably be in serious mental health danger.

Now on 600xr mg Seroquel, I am okay for today. :)

Let's Try 14 Feb 2014 @ 1:07 a.m.

Hyper, sad, hyper, agitated.

Up, down, all around is what I feel tonight. I can't sleep. I took my meds but somehow something didn't get shut down.

Tears come and then I become angry with myself for crying when I could be awake doing things like homework.

This whole picture is wrong. Medicine taken, "normal" Thursday so why tonight? I mean I work at 9:45 A.M. So being awake now is going to be real issue in the later hours today.

Someone save me,
I am drowning in this mixed bowl that isn't made for baking cakes.

Help Me.

Go Back to 10 Feb 2014

My brain feels empty like there is only air and vast land. After taking my Seroquel (400xr mg) within an hour I am tired and remain zombie like in state until my body meets my empty mind.

I feel, see, taste, touch, think and so forth. I go to work for three hours, enjoying the chaos that working as a cook in a school is. Yes, chaotic but only in a few moments in a few days, do I have a very difficult time keeping calm and not letting my mind ruin my job.

I function as a human does but my mind (brain) seems to belong to something other than me. I can walk from room to room without and reason, no cognitive function helping me to remember my electronic cords when I go to fetch them. I have horrible times trying to retain information at work and school/ spiritual work.

I want to believe this is a long phase shifting with the winter weather. At times I wonder what would happen if I stopped taking my meds. Not the direct, abrupt, cessation of my meds, but that of tapering off. But what about my job? For once I have something I worked so hard to achieve, but my diseased brain wants to break down and return to hospital.

I am tired, I am empty, and I don't know what to do. Do I really have Bipolar Disorder or am I just broken and unfixable?? Do I live or do I die?? My brain feels like a vast waste land, thoughts there and gone no one thing sticks, nothing.

I wonder if I remove this "numbness" by blades maybe I can feel okay, alive, and normal.

Maybe A New Format Will Be Better

What are your thoughts on WordPress?

Lost For Words

I haven't blogged much of anything for a long while. As you can tell by the title I just haven't had the particular words to type. Much less have I had anything coherent to talk about. I know there are a few websites that handle "generate blog subjects" that you can write about but this is my blog and I don't see the need to go to a website to create content for this. I want this blog to flourish but it seems that this thing is just failing.

So my idea is that I would like to take some of my old blogs from the Xanga days and post them here as a "look back" and see how far I have come. I hope that all of you will like that idea.

If not please, please give me some ideas.