Such an Opposite

To me, de-cluttering and having a sort through, would be therapeutic and a stress revealer, but it has been so stressful and upsetting that doing a small simple task makes me upset, pissy, and just mean. I don't mean to say "what" in a negative harsh tone. I simply am trying to focus on the few things my brain can seem to focus on and then, when interrupted, I tend to throw a "what" in a rude way even when I am just simply asking what. 

I always found it very therapeutic to go through my clothes and get them in the wash and put away. Now I look at the pile growing and then overflowing the hamper and I just get angry and sad because I feel like I am failing as a human being. Like, I feel at this point in my life laundry and tidying up shouldn't be such a chore that would create such a mental break down as I have been experiencing. 

How did I become so opposite? When did de-cluttering your life become more stressful than leaving it a mess? Am I in a depressed state that I don't want to recognise, let alone admit to it? Every little task seems to be overwhelming and just the thought of taking the laundry out and putting it away makes me want to scream and yell but to no avail. It is not someone else's responsibility to hang up my two jumpers and three work shirts. Heck, that as I am typing seems so insignificant but doing it makes me feel so weak and frustrated. What is wrong with me? What has happened?

Can someone please help me? I'm drowning and I'm too tired to keep afloat. 

 

The Greatest Thief of All

Depression is the greatest thief there is. It robs us of our hope, joy, passion, and most of all our life. I am sliding again into that black hole. That feeling like there is no hope for things to be okay again. Even though, when caught in time, my depression releases its horrible grip. However, right now I feel like there is quicksand all around me, no matter where I move I sink deeper and deeper. It hurts. It hurts not just me but my family and friends. I lash out in anger because it's the only reaction my body seems to be able to explore. All I know is that I don't want to be in this space. I don't want this darkness yet I find the light dwindling down.  As they say depression is a subtle illness that just creeps up and starts to nibble at you until you are left with a few pieces left. That is how it always starts. Slow progression until I am enveloped in darkness. I need to put the emergency brakes on before the light goes out. It is not that I am scared that things won't get better, I am scared that this will "have to get worse before it gets better" kind of thing.

This is a scary place. Nothing exists but blank stares while your brain works overtime try to understand the most basics of task. I just want this wait of sadness and tears to ease. They will always be there but I need a lighter load to carry.

Things do get better. I know. I have very Mich experience with this. But each time has its own battles. Just say a prayer for me. Maybe leave a comment below. Or just ignore this and move on.

Just know you are never alone.

Life on Medicine

Taking medicine has been a normal everyday part of my life for the last five years to treat bipolar disorder. It is a daily struggle to look at my medicine boxes and think that this is what I have to do to stay "sane," "normal," and "a productive member of society."  However, when you neglect your medicine things go wrong very quickly.

For me, right now, I am having a rough time with being overly tired and being lack-lustre, not having the mental energy to do normal household chores, write my blog, film my YouTube videos, and it takes an extreme amount of kicking my own butt to get ready for work and be in the mind-set to be at work fully aware and busy.

So for today, I decided I would ask to have my seroquel xr to be decreased from 600mg to 400mg in hopes that I will be able to get the sleep I need without having to sleep three or four hours during the day just to have energy at night. It has been very trial-some to try and fight off this exhausted feeling. I know I am getting a decent quality of sleep, but it just is mentally not enough. My brain does not want to function. I am making a better catatonic creature than a human being since I can sit in front of either my computer or my phone and watch videos non-stop. However, when it comes to reading I read a paragraph and then my mind just goes blank.

Take this as a little warning to know yourself and your medicine. I know for me, changing my dose of seroquel is what helps stabilize my moods, keep psychosis in check, and to aide in sleeping. I know that I can adjust the dosing amount because I have been on seroquel long enough to know what dosage helps during what season. For me, things change season to season. So please, head these words to take care of yourself and your medicine. Don't just sit back and let yourself be consumed by society and what is supposed to work and what doesn't. You know what is best for you. Stand up and speak to your doctor, that is what they are there for. Having a mental illness can be a chore if you let it be.