As I was scrolling through Tumblr I stumbled across a "word" post saying "Something always brings me back to you." This line is in the song Gravity by Sara Bareilles. This song holds so much power in my heart that when I opened the video on YouTube I was instantly taken back to some of my darker days.
How can one sentence, one song, send you back to memories that you thought you had left behind. Go please, take a listen and maybe you will feel your heart being tugged as well.
Today is the last day of July which means schools return to session in three weeks. For some reason I feel like I have been cheated out of summer. Listening to this song plunges me back to 2011-2012 when I was really sick and depressed. It has become a hit of nostalgia. The feelings and memories strong as if it were only yesterday.
I wonder if this means that I have yet to heal the many wounds I have had or if maybe I'm not ready to give up that part of my life?! Tears fill my eyes as the song reaches the final chorus and that deep feeling of depression sinks in my heart and fills it with a heavy weight. Do I want to be the way I was then or am I just running my mind over the many scars covering the gravity of my body?
Do we ever move so far forward from our deepest depressions that whenever a song or a word crosses our mind that we don't automatically go to those moments?? How far removed can we get? Or are we still tethered to that part of our lives and we never really lose that part of us? Nostalgia is a very strange thing. It brings happiness and joy but also reigns back in the dark moments.
Songs and just even one simple word have a lot of power. Use them wisely and bring joy to those dark memories.
Showing posts with label optimism. Show all posts
Showing posts with label optimism. Show all posts
Friday, 31 July 2015
Sunday, 26 July 2015
Summer sunburns and my scars... tw
This summer has just disappeared before our very eyes as we near the end of July. School starts in three weeks!! Where did it all go??
I know for me I continued on Latuda which having an extra anti-depressant made me depressed in a sense. My summer has been spent inside curled on the couch staring blankly at a wall. I didn't feel depressed but I showed every symptom. I am a summer girl. This is my season. This year it hasn't been until a few days ago. No longer on Latuda I have found energy and drive to do the things I have been dying to do.
Here is the triggering part.
I recently laid out at the pool and sure enough I was once again sunburnt. But I noticed something I had in my previous burns (2) is that my scars on my left arm bore a red tint bringing them almost back to life. They were so dominant that looking at my arm even for the slightest second made me feel so uncomfortable. Now that the redness of the skin has subsided the marks return to their white state, but again, with tanned skin they are more prominent.
At this point, I have been have flashbacks and find everything triggering that I want to self-harm all over again. So far I have managed not to but I watched the TWLOHA movie for the first time and I had no idea I would be triggered so much that I couldn't finish the movie. I know Renee's story so it isn't like I missed anything. I just found it all too much to continue to watch as she held the same blades I used and it was all just so breath-taking that I had to go sit with my Bible to get my mind back on track.
We must be vigilant in our recovery not to become so overwhelmed that we are one step way too close to starting the cycle all over. You are loved. We are all loved and we are not alone as TWLOHA is based upon.
My summer is getting better though it is quickly ending. There will be plenty of fun-filled days that lay ahead and I can't wait to share them with you.
I know for me I continued on Latuda which having an extra anti-depressant made me depressed in a sense. My summer has been spent inside curled on the couch staring blankly at a wall. I didn't feel depressed but I showed every symptom. I am a summer girl. This is my season. This year it hasn't been until a few days ago. No longer on Latuda I have found energy and drive to do the things I have been dying to do.
Here is the triggering part.
I recently laid out at the pool and sure enough I was once again sunburnt. But I noticed something I had in my previous burns (2) is that my scars on my left arm bore a red tint bringing them almost back to life. They were so dominant that looking at my arm even for the slightest second made me feel so uncomfortable. Now that the redness of the skin has subsided the marks return to their white state, but again, with tanned skin they are more prominent.
At this point, I have been have flashbacks and find everything triggering that I want to self-harm all over again. So far I have managed not to but I watched the TWLOHA movie for the first time and I had no idea I would be triggered so much that I couldn't finish the movie. I know Renee's story so it isn't like I missed anything. I just found it all too much to continue to watch as she held the same blades I used and it was all just so breath-taking that I had to go sit with my Bible to get my mind back on track.
We must be vigilant in our recovery not to become so overwhelmed that we are one step way too close to starting the cycle all over. You are loved. We are all loved and we are not alone as TWLOHA is based upon.
My summer is getting better though it is quickly ending. There will be plenty of fun-filled days that lay ahead and I can't wait to share them with you.
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