Come Along With Me

http://youtu.be/v0sbrIhT9hE

Being Reflective

I have found myself being very reflective all of the sudden, like I am being nostalgic or just quiet and thinking. I miss my very two best friends/ mentors. They have been a part of my life since high school and for some reason I have not spoken to either one in a long time. Today, I found myself sitting in the rocking chair watching the sun come up and for a brief moment I felt the pangs of grief, as if I was grieving the loss of my friends. But I have not lost them. They are still there. I just need to say hi and chat up a bit.

Has this ever happened to you? Have you lost contact with a great friend and found yourself reflecting on it? How long did it take you to finally ring them?


There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about each one and how much I miss them. One lives out of state and the other is battling cancer. I have always respected their private lives as they only share so much with me, but I miss them dearly.

Not the best of a cheery blog, more of a let's all reflect on something/someone we miss.

Sad start to Valentines

At 1:07 a.m. I am sitting here so hyper, sad, hyper, agitated. Up, down and all around is what I feel tonight. I can't sleep. I took my meds but somehow, something didn't get shut down. Tears come and then I become angry w/myself for crying when I could be awake doing things like homework.

This whole picture is wrong. Medicine take, "normally" so why tonight? I mean I work a 9:45 a.m. so being awake at this hour is going to be a real issue in the later hours of today.

Someone save me... find me the key to unlock the answer. I am drowning in this mixed bowl that isn't made for baking cakes.

10 Feb 2014

My brain feels empty like there is only air and vast land. After taking my medicine within an hour I am tired and remain zombie like in state until my body meets my empty mind.

I feel, see, taste, touch, think, and so forth. I go to work for three hours, enjoying the chaos that working as a cook in a school is. Yes, chaotic but only in a few moments on few days, do I have a very difficult time keeping calm and not letting my mind ruin my job.

I function as a human does but my mind (brain) seems to belong to something other than me. I can walk from room to room without any reason, no cognitive function helping me to remember my electronic when I go to fetch them. I have horrible times trying to retain information at work and school and spiritually.

I want to believe this is a long phase shifting with the winter weather. At times I wonder what would happen if I stopped taking my meds. Not the direct, abrupt cessation of meds, but that of tapering off.
But what about my job? For once I have something I worked so hard to achieve, but my disordered brain wants to break down and return to hospital.

I am tired, I am empty, and I don't know what to do. Do I really have Bipolar disorder or am I just broken and unfixable? Do I live or do I die?
My brain feels like a vast waste land of air, thoughts there and gone, no one thing sticks to anything. I wonder if I remover this "numbness" by a bad choice would I then find myself feeling much better, alive, and "normal".