My brain feels empty like there is only air and vast land. After taking my medicine within an hour I am tired and remain zombie like in state until my body meets my empty mind.
I feel, see, taste, touch, think, and so forth. I go to work for three hours, enjoying the chaos that working as a cook in a school is. Yes, chaotic but only in a few moments on few days, do I have a very difficult time keeping calm and not letting my mind ruin my job.
I function as a human does but my mind (brain) seems to belong to something other than me. I can walk from room to room without any reason, no cognitive function helping me to remember my electronic when I go to fetch them. I have horrible times trying to retain information at work and school and spiritually.
I want to believe this is a long phase shifting with the winter weather. At times I wonder what would happen if I stopped taking my meds. Not the direct, abrupt cessation of meds, but that of tapering off.
But what about my job? For once I have something I worked so hard to achieve, but my disordered brain wants to break down and return to hospital.
I am tired, I am empty, and I don't know what to do. Do I really have Bipolar disorder or am I just broken and unfixable? Do I live or do I die?
My brain feels like a vast waste land of air, thoughts there and gone, no one thing sticks to anything. I wonder if I remover this "numbness" by a bad choice would I then find myself feeling much better, alive, and "normal".
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