Mental Health Crisis | How I am Surviving

It began slowly, yet crept up so fast there was no explanation other than stress. Working two jobs, which by the way I love, and going to school pushed my mental health to its limits. I got the needed help but sometimes during those reflections and refreshers to bring back stability becomes a reality that time isn't always enough. Sometimes we need a new space, a change in the weather, someone to simply as the song states... "would you lie with me and just forget the world." I strolled through the blue skied woodland area of our park and honestly just wanted to lay down and stare up at the blooming trees and their contrasting colours against the sky. During that time in the park, I let my heart speak and I noted each thought that flowed through. I wanted to share those thoughts so that maybe one person, one day may find this and see that they are not alone. Here is the flow of words that came whilst I was walking around.


"My brain and my heart want to run and run in countless ways. But part of me knows to take on footstep at a time. They don't tell you that that's what happens. No one tells you that one day something will go terribly wrong. Those who seem to notice are the ones you don't see very often. No one told you something is wrong because they were completely blind to it. Something in your mind is telling your heart to run but it doesn't know where to run to. Things begin to fade and anger begins to rage. You feel something is so wrong but you're too scared to know where you've been before and that is where you are now. The mind and body melting together that the brain thought would never come back. We are all too familiar with the pain and racing thoughts, the horrible anger, and why is it coming back."


That was something really hard to read to type into this blog. My heart weighs very heavy and it still is an all too familiar situation that I am working through. When I am here, I am here, and that means it takes a long time to release the stress, the hurt, the anger, the disappointment, the sickening feeling of depression despair that comes with darkness and sometimes dark moments where sharp objects simply must be put away. Sometimes even wearing long sleeved blouses or jackets make me feel like I have so much to hide when they are all healed scars. There is nothing new to hide, but that sick feeling that you must hide, turn off the phone, disconnect the internet, and blacken the windows all so that you can breathe. It is a constant panic attack that no amount of breathing exercises or an inhaler can calm. It isn't that I cannot function on a humanistic level of actually breathing. It is that tight, claustrophobic feeling like if you stop smiling, stop pretending then that wall isn't tight and you are in a bubble. You are now a raging current that will suck in anything in its path.

I do not know where the day goes or when the happiness sparks through but those moments exist and when those moments break through, I take every blink of the eye to capture it so that I may put it in a jar to open when it is all too dark.

Someone, one day, will hopefully find this, read it, and realise that they are not alone. They are never alone. NEVER.

Disappearing into Frustrated Exhaustion

Hours blur into days as life continues at its fast speeds, nothing to which I can compete with. I may not have many "weekly" hours in my second job this week, despite that fact, I still cannot seem to cope with daily living. Laundry piles as I run out of clothes for work hoping amongst the clean clothes sitting in their hampers waiting to be put away, that I may find myself a clean pair of pants and undergarments. It is a shame that this is how life has become for me; that I allow myself to be consumed into a trap. To glissade down that ugly rabbit hole that not even Alice could rise from is my journey these last few days.

Frustration builds as my tired body and brain want to take a break; to hide from life in its entirety. Nonetheless, I pick myself up and move on with my daily living in hopes that the back pain will magically disappear and that the grieving process would go away. 

Words cannot contain the disparity of which the world sees my portrayal than what my reality truly is. Though moments do spill fragments of my turmoil, no one really sees the depth at which I have sunken. This is not Wonderland, and I am not Alice. I walked through the glass but my time seems to be running out before I even knew the clock had begun to tick. Sand slowly but gradually hastens to slip through the tube as a grander image of time.

Frustration, Exhaustion, Despair, Hurt, Sorrow, Lost, Dazed.  So many adjectives, yet none seem to truly describe what this is. I, myself, can only try to walk back through that mirror and hope that time becomes a friend and no longer a foe.