Hot Air Balloon Glow Coney Island 2014

THIS VIDEO STARTS OUT AT 8 SECONDS. WHY I DON'T KNOW. PULL BUTTON BACK TO BEGINNING AND YOU WILL ENJOY IT MORE.


SORRY!!!! : (

Rising From the Ashes

July has been one long month. Life had begun to look great and things were going good. Then our car's transmission stopped working, which led to the loss of the apartment. That is where life really took a turn for the worst. Greg and I were moving our things into a storage unit when his heart decided it had had enough. He could barely do much of anything, even moving a pillow caused his heart to burn.

After many nitroglycerins and much coaxing, I got him to the emergency room. The next morning he was sent to the heart hospital. There they realised that they could not place another stent. The stents he already had, the arteries next to those stents had become 100 percent blocked. Triple heart bypass here we go. That was good news and bad news. The good news is that with the surgery he would return to good health and be a "new" man. The bad news was that he was having open heart surgery. If that doesn't spell fear and anxiety I don't know what does. Facing life and death all at once was a very tall order.

The night before surgery I spent the entire night with him. We took silly photos, made each other laugh, and kept each other from falling apart. Both of our anxieties were at their peak but we were moving full steam ahead. When 5 a.m. rolled around, the nurses came in and prepared him for surgery. Panic struck as we walked with him down the hall and said our partings sealed with kisses, off to surgery he went. Needless to say, I didn't stop crying for a long time, it just wasn't noticeable.

Surgery began around 8:45 a.m. and around noon we were informed that he was fully transferred onto the heart and lung bypass machine. That came as a good sign with a hot poker stuck to the end. A bypass machine allows for a continued flow of oxygen and blood through the body while the heart is being worked on. Once the surgery is over they take off the bypass machine and let the heart pick it back up. That's the scary part, will the heart restart and take over. Well in this case, it DID! :)

The surgeon came out after surgery and informed us that the operation went great and everything was looking great. What a sigh of relief, but that is when the real tears started. It felt like I had breathed a breath once he was wheeled into the operating room. after six long hours, he made it through and is now on the road to recovery.

Long story short, his surgery was on a wednesday and he came home that sunday. He is now home and is doing great. I am so proud of him and am more full of love than I ever thought I could be.

THANK YOU ALL for all of your thoughts and prayers. Many of you helped me and his family through the darkest hours. Hugs and kisses to all. I will update again in a week.

WARNING: This is how his scars are healing. The four holes are from the chest tubes that drained the fluids away from his heart. You have been advised.

Self Harm Misconceptions | LollysAndCiggies

Mental Health Relapsing

A normal response to changes in seasons, in temperatures, in light and in darkness. My question to myself is why does summer seem to bring on the most destructive thoughts and actions? Is it because I have been placed in inpatient in the summer and some part of my brain wants to go back? Are there triggers that I just refuse to acknowledge?

I used to spend my summers laying in my lounge chair reading and sunbathing and now I am a hermit stuck inside too afraid to step outside. Where has this anxiety, social anxiety come from? Why won't it go away?

My body is my canvas and if I am not going to be as vigilant as I have been my body will cease to be beautiful. But my brain doesn't want to see the beauty it wants to see the fat, the scars, the flaws, and the scared look in my eyes if their reflection. I know where this path leads and I really don't want to take even one step close to it.

Vulnerable is how my heart feels. Like I have somehow taken it out of my chest and placed it on a plate waiting to see if someone destroys it or protects it. Why am I seeking things from the outside? What is wrong with what is good on the inside?

Staring into the mirror my chest tightens as my mind warps the image reflected changing into a landscape of fear and anxiety. All I can do is hold my head down and paint a lipstick smile.

Summer used to be my everything, my time to relax, live and enjoy life. Now it is a subtle reminder of the misery I have had in recent past. My heart is heavy and my prayers are left unspoken. I have no connection with God and I can't find my way back to him. I know the lack of spirituality spurs many of these feelings, yet, of all of the pleas for help from those around my faith have obviously gone unanswered. Maybe that means it is time to move elsewhere, to leave those behind where some do belong.

This isn't a post to stir up drama, this post isn't a broadcast for comments telling me what I need to do. I know what I need to do, I just need the help, the guidance in the right direction. Don't offer vague platitudes because those are as fake as saying sorry for doing nothing wrong.

Remember that those with mental health issues fight their battles everyday all day long. Many of us don't need to be told what to do, we simply need someone to sit with us during a rough moment or someone to grab our hands and lead us to the bright sun outside. Don't be one to make our problems out to be minuscule and being melodramatic. That is not what this is and if you have never experienced these things personally or with a friend |  loved one, then please take the time to do some research before you open your mouth. One word may seem like a help but it may be just that one word that destroys it all.

Be patient and be kind. We all face our demons daily, some we face the same and many other different ones. Offer a silent shoulder to lean on or a hard grab of our hands and pull us up from the drowning waters.

Relapse happens, medicine changes, bodies become immune to the efficacy of the medicines. Don't tell me that there is nothing wrong, you don't know that. All you know is the painted face you see.