Mental Health Relapsing

A normal response to changes in seasons, in temperatures, in light and in darkness. My question to myself is why does summer seem to bring on the most destructive thoughts and actions? Is it because I have been placed in inpatient in the summer and some part of my brain wants to go back? Are there triggers that I just refuse to acknowledge?

I used to spend my summers laying in my lounge chair reading and sunbathing and now I am a hermit stuck inside too afraid to step outside. Where has this anxiety, social anxiety come from? Why won't it go away?

My body is my canvas and if I am not going to be as vigilant as I have been my body will cease to be beautiful. But my brain doesn't want to see the beauty it wants to see the fat, the scars, the flaws, and the scared look in my eyes if their reflection. I know where this path leads and I really don't want to take even one step close to it.

Vulnerable is how my heart feels. Like I have somehow taken it out of my chest and placed it on a plate waiting to see if someone destroys it or protects it. Why am I seeking things from the outside? What is wrong with what is good on the inside?

Staring into the mirror my chest tightens as my mind warps the image reflected changing into a landscape of fear and anxiety. All I can do is hold my head down and paint a lipstick smile.

Summer used to be my everything, my time to relax, live and enjoy life. Now it is a subtle reminder of the misery I have had in recent past. My heart is heavy and my prayers are left unspoken. I have no connection with God and I can't find my way back to him. I know the lack of spirituality spurs many of these feelings, yet, of all of the pleas for help from those around my faith have obviously gone unanswered. Maybe that means it is time to move elsewhere, to leave those behind where some do belong.

This isn't a post to stir up drama, this post isn't a broadcast for comments telling me what I need to do. I know what I need to do, I just need the help, the guidance in the right direction. Don't offer vague platitudes because those are as fake as saying sorry for doing nothing wrong.

Remember that those with mental health issues fight their battles everyday all day long. Many of us don't need to be told what to do, we simply need someone to sit with us during a rough moment or someone to grab our hands and lead us to the bright sun outside. Don't be one to make our problems out to be minuscule and being melodramatic. That is not what this is and if you have never experienced these things personally or with a friend |  loved one, then please take the time to do some research before you open your mouth. One word may seem like a help but it may be just that one word that destroys it all.

Be patient and be kind. We all face our demons daily, some we face the same and many other different ones. Offer a silent shoulder to lean on or a hard grab of our hands and pull us up from the drowning waters.

Relapse happens, medicine changes, bodies become immune to the efficacy of the medicines. Don't tell me that there is nothing wrong, you don't know that. All you know is the painted face you see.