Such an Opposite

To me, de-cluttering and having a sort through, would be therapeutic and a stress revealer, but it has been so stressful and upsetting that doing a small simple task makes me upset, pissy, and just mean. I don't mean to say "what" in a negative harsh tone. I simply am trying to focus on the few things my brain can seem to focus on and then, when interrupted, I tend to throw a "what" in a rude way even when I am just simply asking what. 

I always found it very therapeutic to go through my clothes and get them in the wash and put away. Now I look at the pile growing and then overflowing the hamper and I just get angry and sad because I feel like I am failing as a human being. Like, I feel at this point in my life laundry and tidying up shouldn't be such a chore that would create such a mental break down as I have been experiencing. 

How did I become so opposite? When did de-cluttering your life become more stressful than leaving it a mess? Am I in a depressed state that I don't want to recognise, let alone admit to it? Every little task seems to be overwhelming and just the thought of taking the laundry out and putting it away makes me want to scream and yell but to no avail. It is not someone else's responsibility to hang up my two jumpers and three work shirts. Heck, that as I am typing seems so insignificant but doing it makes me feel so weak and frustrated. What is wrong with me? What has happened?

Can someone please help me? I'm drowning and I'm too tired to keep afloat. 

 

With Just One Sentence

As I was scrolling through Tumblr I stumbled across a "word" post saying "Something always brings me back to you."  This line is in the song Gravity by Sara Bareilles. This song holds so much power in my heart that when I opened the video on YouTube I was instantly taken back to some of my darker days.

How can one sentence, one song, send you back to memories that you thought you had left behind. Go please, take a listen and maybe you will feel your heart being tugged as well.

Today is the last day of July which means schools return to session in three weeks. For some reason I feel like I have been cheated out of summer. Listening to this song plunges me back to 2011-2012 when I was really sick and depressed. It has become a hit of nostalgia. The feelings and memories strong as if it were only yesterday.

I wonder if this means that I have yet to heal the many wounds I have had or if maybe I'm not ready to give up that part of my life?!  Tears fill my eyes as the song reaches the final chorus and that deep feeling of depression sinks in my heart and fills it with a heavy weight. Do I want to be the way I was then or am I just running my mind over the many scars covering the gravity of my body?

Do we ever move so far forward from our deepest depressions that whenever a song or a word crosses our mind that we don't automatically go to those moments?? How far removed can we get? Or are we still tethered to that part of our lives and we never really lose that part of us? Nostalgia is a very strange thing. It brings happiness and joy but also reigns back in the dark moments.

Songs and just even one simple word have a lot of power. Use them wisely and bring joy to those dark memories.

Life on Medicine

Taking medicine has been a normal everyday part of my life for the last five years to treat bipolar disorder. It is a daily struggle to look at my medicine boxes and think that this is what I have to do to stay "sane," "normal," and "a productive member of society."  However, when you neglect your medicine things go wrong very quickly.

For me, right now, I am having a rough time with being overly tired and being lack-lustre, not having the mental energy to do normal household chores, write my blog, film my YouTube videos, and it takes an extreme amount of kicking my own butt to get ready for work and be in the mind-set to be at work fully aware and busy.

So for today, I decided I would ask to have my seroquel xr to be decreased from 600mg to 400mg in hopes that I will be able to get the sleep I need without having to sleep three or four hours during the day just to have energy at night. It has been very trial-some to try and fight off this exhausted feeling. I know I am getting a decent quality of sleep, but it just is mentally not enough. My brain does not want to function. I am making a better catatonic creature than a human being since I can sit in front of either my computer or my phone and watch videos non-stop. However, when it comes to reading I read a paragraph and then my mind just goes blank.

Take this as a little warning to know yourself and your medicine. I know for me, changing my dose of seroquel is what helps stabilize my moods, keep psychosis in check, and to aide in sleeping. I know that I can adjust the dosing amount because I have been on seroquel long enough to know what dosage helps during what season. For me, things change season to season. So please, head these words to take care of yourself and your medicine. Don't just sit back and let yourself be consumed by society and what is supposed to work and what doesn't. You know what is best for you. Stand up and speak to your doctor, that is what they are there for. Having a mental illness can be a chore if you let it be.