Sick Cycles Never End

My heart sinks to a new low as I read the text message that says "I've had a heart-attack." Another friend found out she has ovarian cancer. I am surrounded again by loved ones sick and dying. I feel stuck. I feel lost in a dark scary world with minimal light, just enough light to see where you are walking. Nothing else to do but walk aimlessly in circles contemplating whether it is goodbye for me or for them. I am sick of losing the ones I love. Lost. Depressed. Anguished. Stressed. All words that describe, describe in some sense that need to be numb.

Yes, I said it. Numb. I'm sick of "feeling" and having my heart rent in two over and over. Tears make me feel useless and abandoned. That is a good word. Abandoned. That is exactly what I feel right now. My world was spinning in a balanced direction and now with a new medication dosage and all these saddening things, anguish seems to be a perfect word.

Back to being numb. The razor came back and so did the alcohol. My weight, a constant reminder of failure and lack of control. I miss the control, so I am taking it back. My intake is low and my physicality increasing by the hour. I just want my life back, the one before he took my heart. The life I had before him, before the mistakes and the regrets. I had such a good life and I ruined it. I love him and I always and forever will but I need to be stronger. I need to have my foot down and my heart set. People around have seen the devastation bipolar and lack of medications does to a person. Up, up and away, then straight drop crashing on the floor. Institutionalize her for the sake of this mess but I refused. I pulled myself up by my bootstraps and have kept plugging along. Being strong in the face of everything has left me empty. Tonight my wrist is bandaged and my alcohol is almost finished. It is time for bed for my eyes are becoming heavy.

Three new marks that I hope never fade. I want a physical reminder of the pain I overcame. I want more than three marks. I had to stop because my mother returned home and I ran too big a risk of being found. My body is begging me to go to the kitchen and grab the sharps and continue where I left off. I don't want to die, I just don't want to feel anymore. I do not want this emotional pain. Please understand, this is mine, I feel safer with sharps than with family and friends. The blade does not judge or criticize. It just does its job, to make me feel better. Physical pain is much more bearable than the emotional pain that brings tears every second I am alone.

Just let me have the blade. I promise not to go too deep or have too many. Just a few more so that I may sleep. My body is exhausted. I am ready to quit. I am ready to walk away from school, it has become very stressful and I am having the worst go at it than I have since hospital. I am just done, stick that proverbial fork in me, I know I am at the right temperature. The oven just dinged. You can take me out now.

roller coaster

The title fits perfectly for the last several weeks I have had. I roll up the hill waiting for that brief moment before the drop, only to find that I just kept going higher. We all know the higher you go the farther you fall. Hence my doctor decided he would decrease my anti-depressant. He cut me from 40mg to 20mg so literally half the dosage. Great, fine, let the coaster fall, but let it fall slowly. Nope, that didn't happen. Instead, I plunge straight 90 degree angle down. I dropped a dose being told to and not wanting to not "follow" doctor's orders. That my dears lead to a complete melt. I was so emotionally wired that I cried at everything. After class I went home and completely fell apart. I spent twenty minutes sobbing whilst trying to explain myself to my mother who was completely frantic. She wanted to take me to hospital but in no way did I want to be on the locked ward. Finally I was able to calm down and control myself enough to make it through to my appointment the next morning.

I am now on 20mg of Viibryd and I have had a shit day. I am having the discontinuation shocks or "brain zaps."  I feel like I am hooked to an electrical outlet that is frayed. It is shit and I am beyond mentally exhausted. My brain feels like it has been shorted out and turned off. I can still function but I feel like I have a severe case of the flu.

Tomorrow is a new day. I will call my nurse in the a.m. to see what she thinks and if I feel worse I will go to a&e/ er and see what they can do. More than likely if I go to hospital they will try to lock me in. For now I will turn this off and let my brain die down for hopefully more than 8 hours.

ciao

Unreal

The conclusion is that no matter how good you take care of yourself, no matter how careful you are, life always ruins itself. An amazing friend and mentor has cancer and it is stage three. She starts chemo on Tuesday, and I know from watching my dad take chemo, she is going to have a rough go. To watch cancer rob another person in my life is simply unacceptable. I have had it with this disease. I am sick of losing the ones I love. My mind is flooded with emotions and I can't sleep. Heart is pounding in my chest and no amount of restful music is helping. I'm scared and unsure of what lies ahead but I know I have to be the strong one. She was there for me when my dad died and now it is my turn to be there for her. I still can't wrap my brain around that stupid question of why. Why is never answered yet always and forever asked over and over. 

Life is unfair. Simple as that. I want her to get better to feel better and to not have cancer. I want my dad back, every day I think about how much I have lost at such a young age. I also see how I have grown and become a stronger person. But for tonight, I want to curl up in a ball on my daddy's lap and tell him how much I miss him and let him be a guiding light like he used to be. I miss having him to turn to when things go wrong. He has been gone almost seven years but right now it feels like it has only been days. And now I get to watch cancer take another person. I have to be strong but right now I don't want to be. Right now I want my dad. I want things to be okay, good, better. This is where growing up sucks. This is when the regret starts. This is where the tears begin and heartache sets in. Tonight will be a long night.

I apologize for my lack of better terms in which would be more "appropriate" to say but I'm going to say it anyway.

Fuck you cancer. Fuck you for destroying the bodies of beautiful and not so beautiful souls. You deserve to be eradicated and destroyed. You can piss off. I can't wait for paradise where you will be a disease of the past, forever forgotten. Exactly where you deserve to be. I hate you and I hate what you do to us. 

Please God, please let this miserable system end before I have to say goodbye. I know it won't be forever but in human terms it is the worst thing we all have to face but when you are my age, you shouldn't have had to say goodbye as to the many I have. Just let this system of things end. 

I am tired and my eyes are becoming as heavy as my heart. Time to turn of the computer and let my body drift to dream land, a land that for a little while can be a taste of paradise. A saddening nightmare, a taste of the better things that are ahead if only I didn't have to wake up and watch the fog swallow the images of the ones gone. I hope I can rest a little easier tonight.