Mental Health Crisis | How I am Surviving

It began slowly, yet crept up so fast there was no explanation other than stress. Working two jobs, which by the way I love, and going to school pushed my mental health to its limits. I got the needed help but sometimes during those reflections and refreshers to bring back stability becomes a reality that time isn't always enough. Sometimes we need a new space, a change in the weather, someone to simply as the song states... "would you lie with me and just forget the world." I strolled through the blue skied woodland area of our park and honestly just wanted to lay down and stare up at the blooming trees and their contrasting colours against the sky. During that time in the park, I let my heart speak and I noted each thought that flowed through. I wanted to share those thoughts so that maybe one person, one day may find this and see that they are not alone. Here is the flow of words that came whilst I was walking around.


"My brain and my heart want to run and run in countless ways. But part of me knows to take on footstep at a time. They don't tell you that that's what happens. No one tells you that one day something will go terribly wrong. Those who seem to notice are the ones you don't see very often. No one told you something is wrong because they were completely blind to it. Something in your mind is telling your heart to run but it doesn't know where to run to. Things begin to fade and anger begins to rage. You feel something is so wrong but you're too scared to know where you've been before and that is where you are now. The mind and body melting together that the brain thought would never come back. We are all too familiar with the pain and racing thoughts, the horrible anger, and why is it coming back."


That was something really hard to read to type into this blog. My heart weighs very heavy and it still is an all too familiar situation that I am working through. When I am here, I am here, and that means it takes a long time to release the stress, the hurt, the anger, the disappointment, the sickening feeling of depression despair that comes with darkness and sometimes dark moments where sharp objects simply must be put away. Sometimes even wearing long sleeved blouses or jackets make me feel like I have so much to hide when they are all healed scars. There is nothing new to hide, but that sick feeling that you must hide, turn off the phone, disconnect the internet, and blacken the windows all so that you can breathe. It is a constant panic attack that no amount of breathing exercises or an inhaler can calm. It isn't that I cannot function on a humanistic level of actually breathing. It is that tight, claustrophobic feeling like if you stop smiling, stop pretending then that wall isn't tight and you are in a bubble. You are now a raging current that will suck in anything in its path.

I do not know where the day goes or when the happiness sparks through but those moments exist and when those moments break through, I take every blink of the eye to capture it so that I may put it in a jar to open when it is all too dark.

Someone, one day, will hopefully find this, read it, and realise that they are not alone. They are never alone. NEVER.

Disappearing into Frustrated Exhaustion

Hours blur into days as life continues at its fast speeds, nothing to which I can compete with. I may not have many "weekly" hours in my second job this week, despite that fact, I still cannot seem to cope with daily living. Laundry piles as I run out of clothes for work hoping amongst the clean clothes sitting in their hampers waiting to be put away, that I may find myself a clean pair of pants and undergarments. It is a shame that this is how life has become for me; that I allow myself to be consumed into a trap. To glissade down that ugly rabbit hole that not even Alice could rise from is my journey these last few days.

Frustration builds as my tired body and brain want to take a break; to hide from life in its entirety. Nonetheless, I pick myself up and move on with my daily living in hopes that the back pain will magically disappear and that the grieving process would go away. 

Words cannot contain the disparity of which the world sees my portrayal than what my reality truly is. Though moments do spill fragments of my turmoil, no one really sees the depth at which I have sunken. This is not Wonderland, and I am not Alice. I walked through the glass but my time seems to be running out before I even knew the clock had begun to tick. Sand slowly but gradually hastens to slip through the tube as a grander image of time.

Frustration, Exhaustion, Despair, Hurt, Sorrow, Lost, Dazed.  So many adjectives, yet none seem to truly describe what this is. I, myself, can only try to walk back through that mirror and hope that time becomes a friend and no longer a foe.     

Losing A Loved One and My Grieving Process

After losing my aunt one day before her 73rd birthday, I think of the five stages of grieving. Growing up she was a second mother, taking care of my sister and myself when my parents were at work. She helped us with homework, life skills, spirituality, and most of all, teaching us how deep love runs. I still believe had I spoken so much earlier, I honestly believe she would still be here. However, I do also recognise she is no longer in any pain, no longer relying on dialysis to keep her kidneys functioning. All of her pain and sufferings has come to an end but where does that leave my pain?

This is where I am trying to understand the grieving process. I am past the denial simply because there was no denying how sick she was and knowing that her condition was continuing to decrease quickly day by day until that Friday.

Anger:  Oh F...k yeah I am pissed. I am so pissed off at the nursing home, mainly the "nursing" staff that I could obviously do their job better than they did in their two years of care she was within them. That pisses me off the most is that I could tell how sick she was and they always gave me a shovelled answer.

Bargaining:  This is where I am.  I am in that place where I knew she wasn't just having a chest cold that lingered well into six months. I keep thinking that I could have pulled the P.O.A and have an updated chest x-ray to show that indeed she had pneumonia. I keep thinking if only, if only, if only. From here I don't know where to go. I feel it is my fault that I didn't act sooner. I know I myself didn't fully measure just how bad she had gotten weeks earlier then she may still be here. I'd give anything to be able to have taken her out of the f...king nursing home that deserves a lawsuit.

Depression:  I don't know if I will actually go through this phase because I take anti-depressant medication thanks to Bipolar Disorder. My counselor comes into play at this point. I am completely terrified that I am going to hit a very low depression as the weeks go by. The longer time goes, I believe that I will find myself in a much darker place than I find myself in right now.

Acceptance:  I haven't gotten here yet. I cannot get past the bargaining stage because I feel it is my fault.


In the end, I am scared to see what the next day, the next week, month, and year will bring because she won't be there. She won't get to see me and my sister graduate college. She won't be there when I say my vows. Not only is my dad gone but now my mother figure is gone too. I am thankful that I still have my mum. I still have one last parent to look to. I feel like maybe my medicine will need to be tweaked and managed in a way that changes more than my medicine has changed in years. I know I need to up my therapy sessions. I know that it gets worse before it ever gets better. I know. However, it doesn't matter how much I know, it is the journey that I must tread through until I meet acceptance.

Prayers and thoughts will always be deeply appreciated from anyone who reads to the end.
I thank my family and friends who have surrounded themselves around us to keep us tied together. I just don't know where this new journey will take me and that scares me the most.

The Greatest Thief of All

Depression is the greatest thief there is. It robs us of our hope, joy, passion, and most of all our life. I am sliding again into that black hole. That feeling like there is no hope for things to be okay again. Even though, when caught in time, my depression releases its horrible grip. However, right now I feel like there is quicksand all around me, no matter where I move I sink deeper and deeper. It hurts. It hurts not just me but my family and friends. I lash out in anger because it's the only reaction my body seems to be able to explore. All I know is that I don't want to be in this space. I don't want this darkness yet I find the light dwindling down.  As they say depression is a subtle illness that just creeps up and starts to nibble at you until you are left with a few pieces left. That is how it always starts. Slow progression until I am enveloped in darkness. I need to put the emergency brakes on before the light goes out. It is not that I am scared that things won't get better, I am scared that this will "have to get worse before it gets better" kind of thing.

This is a scary place. Nothing exists but blank stares while your brain works overtime try to understand the most basics of task. I just want this wait of sadness and tears to ease. They will always be there but I need a lighter load to carry.

Things do get better. I know. I have very Mich experience with this. But each time has its own battles. Just say a prayer for me. Maybe leave a comment below. Or just ignore this and move on.

Just know you are never alone.

Rising From the Ashes

July has been one long month. Life had begun to look great and things were going good. Then our car's transmission stopped working, which led to the loss of the apartment. That is where life really took a turn for the worst. Greg and I were moving our things into a storage unit when his heart decided it had had enough. He could barely do much of anything, even moving a pillow caused his heart to burn.

After many nitroglycerins and much coaxing, I got him to the emergency room. The next morning he was sent to the heart hospital. There they realised that they could not place another stent. The stents he already had, the arteries next to those stents had become 100 percent blocked. Triple heart bypass here we go. That was good news and bad news. The good news is that with the surgery he would return to good health and be a "new" man. The bad news was that he was having open heart surgery. If that doesn't spell fear and anxiety I don't know what does. Facing life and death all at once was a very tall order.

The night before surgery I spent the entire night with him. We took silly photos, made each other laugh, and kept each other from falling apart. Both of our anxieties were at their peak but we were moving full steam ahead. When 5 a.m. rolled around, the nurses came in and prepared him for surgery. Panic struck as we walked with him down the hall and said our partings sealed with kisses, off to surgery he went. Needless to say, I didn't stop crying for a long time, it just wasn't noticeable.

Surgery began around 8:45 a.m. and around noon we were informed that he was fully transferred onto the heart and lung bypass machine. That came as a good sign with a hot poker stuck to the end. A bypass machine allows for a continued flow of oxygen and blood through the body while the heart is being worked on. Once the surgery is over they take off the bypass machine and let the heart pick it back up. That's the scary part, will the heart restart and take over. Well in this case, it DID! :)

The surgeon came out after surgery and informed us that the operation went great and everything was looking great. What a sigh of relief, but that is when the real tears started. It felt like I had breathed a breath once he was wheeled into the operating room. after six long hours, he made it through and is now on the road to recovery.

Long story short, his surgery was on a wednesday and he came home that sunday. He is now home and is doing great. I am so proud of him and am more full of love than I ever thought I could be.

THANK YOU ALL for all of your thoughts and prayers. Many of you helped me and his family through the darkest hours. Hugs and kisses to all. I will update again in a week.

WARNING: This is how his scars are healing. The four holes are from the chest tubes that drained the fluids away from his heart. You have been advised.