Makeup Haul : High End & Drug Store Brands

Disappearing into Frustrated Exhaustion

Hours blur into days as life continues at its fast speeds, nothing to which I can compete with. I may not have many "weekly" hours in my second job this week, despite that fact, I still cannot seem to cope with daily living. Laundry piles as I run out of clothes for work hoping amongst the clean clothes sitting in their hampers waiting to be put away, that I may find myself a clean pair of pants and undergarments. It is a shame that this is how life has become for me; that I allow myself to be consumed into a trap. To glissade down that ugly rabbit hole that not even Alice could rise from is my journey these last few days.

Frustration builds as my tired body and brain want to take a break; to hide from life in its entirety. Nonetheless, I pick myself up and move on with my daily living in hopes that the back pain will magically disappear and that the grieving process would go away. 

Words cannot contain the disparity of which the world sees my portrayal than what my reality truly is. Though moments do spill fragments of my turmoil, no one really sees the depth at which I have sunken. This is not Wonderland, and I am not Alice. I walked through the glass but my time seems to be running out before I even knew the clock had begun to tick. Sand slowly but gradually hastens to slip through the tube as a grander image of time.

Frustration, Exhaustion, Despair, Hurt, Sorrow, Lost, Dazed.  So many adjectives, yet none seem to truly describe what this is. I, myself, can only try to walk back through that mirror and hope that time becomes a friend and no longer a foe.     

How I Did My Makeup In High School Tag

How I Did My Makeup In High School Tag

Losing A Loved One and My Grieving Process

After losing my aunt one day before her 73rd birthday, I think of the five stages of grieving. Growing up she was a second mother, taking care of my sister and myself when my parents were at work. She helped us with homework, life skills, spirituality, and most of all, teaching us how deep love runs. I still believe had I spoken so much earlier, I honestly believe she would still be here. However, I do also recognise she is no longer in any pain, no longer relying on dialysis to keep her kidneys functioning. All of her pain and sufferings has come to an end but where does that leave my pain?

This is where I am trying to understand the grieving process. I am past the denial simply because there was no denying how sick she was and knowing that her condition was continuing to decrease quickly day by day until that Friday.

Anger:  Oh F...k yeah I am pissed. I am so pissed off at the nursing home, mainly the "nursing" staff that I could obviously do their job better than they did in their two years of care she was within them. That pisses me off the most is that I could tell how sick she was and they always gave me a shovelled answer.

Bargaining:  This is where I am.  I am in that place where I knew she wasn't just having a chest cold that lingered well into six months. I keep thinking that I could have pulled the P.O.A and have an updated chest x-ray to show that indeed she had pneumonia. I keep thinking if only, if only, if only. From here I don't know where to go. I feel it is my fault that I didn't act sooner. I know I myself didn't fully measure just how bad she had gotten weeks earlier then she may still be here. I'd give anything to be able to have taken her out of the f...king nursing home that deserves a lawsuit.

Depression:  I don't know if I will actually go through this phase because I take anti-depressant medication thanks to Bipolar Disorder. My counselor comes into play at this point. I am completely terrified that I am going to hit a very low depression as the weeks go by. The longer time goes, I believe that I will find myself in a much darker place than I find myself in right now.

Acceptance:  I haven't gotten here yet. I cannot get past the bargaining stage because I feel it is my fault.


In the end, I am scared to see what the next day, the next week, month, and year will bring because she won't be there. She won't get to see me and my sister graduate college. She won't be there when I say my vows. Not only is my dad gone but now my mother figure is gone too. I am thankful that I still have my mum. I still have one last parent to look to. I feel like maybe my medicine will need to be tweaked and managed in a way that changes more than my medicine has changed in years. I know I need to up my therapy sessions. I know that it gets worse before it ever gets better. I know. However, it doesn't matter how much I know, it is the journey that I must tread through until I meet acceptance.

Prayers and thoughts will always be deeply appreciated from anyone who reads to the end.
I thank my family and friends who have surrounded themselves around us to keep us tied together. I just don't know where this new journey will take me and that scares me the most.