Losing A Loved One and My Grieving Process

After losing my aunt one day before her 73rd birthday, I think of the five stages of grieving. Growing up she was a second mother, taking care of my sister and myself when my parents were at work. She helped us with homework, life skills, spirituality, and most of all, teaching us how deep love runs. I still believe had I spoken so much earlier, I honestly believe she would still be here. However, I do also recognise she is no longer in any pain, no longer relying on dialysis to keep her kidneys functioning. All of her pain and sufferings has come to an end but where does that leave my pain?

This is where I am trying to understand the grieving process. I am past the denial simply because there was no denying how sick she was and knowing that her condition was continuing to decrease quickly day by day until that Friday.

Anger:  Oh F...k yeah I am pissed. I am so pissed off at the nursing home, mainly the "nursing" staff that I could obviously do their job better than they did in their two years of care she was within them. That pisses me off the most is that I could tell how sick she was and they always gave me a shovelled answer.

Bargaining:  This is where I am.  I am in that place where I knew she wasn't just having a chest cold that lingered well into six months. I keep thinking that I could have pulled the P.O.A and have an updated chest x-ray to show that indeed she had pneumonia. I keep thinking if only, if only, if only. From here I don't know where to go. I feel it is my fault that I didn't act sooner. I know I myself didn't fully measure just how bad she had gotten weeks earlier then she may still be here. I'd give anything to be able to have taken her out of the f...king nursing home that deserves a lawsuit.

Depression:  I don't know if I will actually go through this phase because I take anti-depressant medication thanks to Bipolar Disorder. My counselor comes into play at this point. I am completely terrified that I am going to hit a very low depression as the weeks go by. The longer time goes, I believe that I will find myself in a much darker place than I find myself in right now.

Acceptance:  I haven't gotten here yet. I cannot get past the bargaining stage because I feel it is my fault.


In the end, I am scared to see what the next day, the next week, month, and year will bring because she won't be there. She won't get to see me and my sister graduate college. She won't be there when I say my vows. Not only is my dad gone but now my mother figure is gone too. I am thankful that I still have my mum. I still have one last parent to look to. I feel like maybe my medicine will need to be tweaked and managed in a way that changes more than my medicine has changed in years. I know I need to up my therapy sessions. I know that it gets worse before it ever gets better. I know. However, it doesn't matter how much I know, it is the journey that I must tread through until I meet acceptance.

Prayers and thoughts will always be deeply appreciated from anyone who reads to the end.
I thank my family and friends who have surrounded themselves around us to keep us tied together. I just don't know where this new journey will take me and that scares me the most.

Is This A Beauty Blog

I came upon blogger when Xanga shut down. I still do not know what I want this blog to be. I do not know if I want to focus on beauty and fashion or if I rather it be more personal, much like my Xanga blog.

I do know now that when you follow the "trend" your blog or youtube channel flourishes which is quite annoying. How can you promote your own channel when it doesn't follow trends?? How can you reach the people that are stuck in their habits and neglect smaller channels or blogs because they aren't strictly one thing?

We all create our own content but how much of that content is a trend of beauty style for the month, or the top challenges out now??

Being original these days seems to be a trend on if you work outside of the internet world. 

If you aren't smart enough or beautiful enough to have a great blog that has equal content that doesn't always follow the trend how do you maintain that?? 

I want my blog and my YouTube channel to come together as one but here at ceruleansparkles I want to make my content the way I want without being limited to trends. 

There is a x button at the top of every page on the internet and one big red one to close the whole. If you don't like what you see or read, why not comment? Why not consider for just a moment that maybe if there were conversations going content would be created faster with more fluidity that before.

Leave comments. Like. Follow. Subscribe. and of course... Share. 

Creativity, Where Has It Gone?

I want to blog, I genuinely miss my creative writing. I look back over my postings on Xanga and so many of them are creative and full of energy and life. Where did it all go? Did I lose it when my Bipolar Disorder was roped in and tamed with medicine? I don't see how that could be. It is still there just slightly out of reach. I stare at my blog page and think to myself that I have failed this blog and I have created an AdSense thinking that I could somehow use that as an incentive to want to write more, be more involved. However all it has done is have me watch it struggle to earn a penny here and there.

What is the point when there is all of this untouched creativity just beyond my grasp and I struggle to grab it and hold on to it tightly. I want to create so much with this blog. I don't know where to start. Do I divulge my past postings from Xanga to see if this creates more energy?? Or what about staring at everyone else's blogs hoping that some of what they write will spark a light of fire in me. I haven't found it yet. Maybe if I keep my eyes open long enough, maybe just maybe, I will find it again.

Comments are very much welcomed. What do you think? Should I publish some old posts from Xanga?  Do I try to find creative content through YouTube? What about other blogs, do I continue to search through them until I find something that ignites the flame?

Help me find my light, my spark of love in really blogging and not just staring at the screen void of words to type but so many things I want to say. Please, let me know what you think.

Much love always
Linda

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