Mental Health Crisis | How I am Surviving

It began slowly, yet crept up so fast there was no explanation other than stress. Working two jobs, which by the way I love, and going to school pushed my mental health to its limits. I got the needed help but sometimes during those reflections and refreshers to bring back stability becomes a reality that time isn't always enough. Sometimes we need a new space, a change in the weather, someone to simply as the song states... "would you lie with me and just forget the world." I strolled through the blue skied woodland area of our park and honestly just wanted to lay down and stare up at the blooming trees and their contrasting colours against the sky. During that time in the park, I let my heart speak and I noted each thought that flowed through. I wanted to share those thoughts so that maybe one person, one day may find this and see that they are not alone. Here is the flow of words that came whilst I was walking around.


"My brain and my heart want to run and run in countless ways. But part of me knows to take on footstep at a time. They don't tell you that that's what happens. No one tells you that one day something will go terribly wrong. Those who seem to notice are the ones you don't see very often. No one told you something is wrong because they were completely blind to it. Something in your mind is telling your heart to run but it doesn't know where to run to. Things begin to fade and anger begins to rage. You feel something is so wrong but you're too scared to know where you've been before and that is where you are now. The mind and body melting together that the brain thought would never come back. We are all too familiar with the pain and racing thoughts, the horrible anger, and why is it coming back."


That was something really hard to read to type into this blog. My heart weighs very heavy and it still is an all too familiar situation that I am working through. When I am here, I am here, and that means it takes a long time to release the stress, the hurt, the anger, the disappointment, the sickening feeling of depression despair that comes with darkness and sometimes dark moments where sharp objects simply must be put away. Sometimes even wearing long sleeved blouses or jackets make me feel like I have so much to hide when they are all healed scars. There is nothing new to hide, but that sick feeling that you must hide, turn off the phone, disconnect the internet, and blacken the windows all so that you can breathe. It is a constant panic attack that no amount of breathing exercises or an inhaler can calm. It isn't that I cannot function on a humanistic level of actually breathing. It is that tight, claustrophobic feeling like if you stop smiling, stop pretending then that wall isn't tight and you are in a bubble. You are now a raging current that will suck in anything in its path.

I do not know where the day goes or when the happiness sparks through but those moments exist and when those moments break through, I take every blink of the eye to capture it so that I may put it in a jar to open when it is all too dark.

Someone, one day, will hopefully find this, read it, and realise that they are not alone. They are never alone. NEVER.

Summer sunburns and my scars... tw

This summer has just disappeared before our very eyes as we near the end of July. School starts in three weeks!!  Where did it all go??

I know for me I continued on Latuda which having an extra anti-depressant made me depressed in a sense. My summer has been spent inside curled on the couch staring blankly at a wall. I didn't feel depressed but I showed every symptom. I am a summer girl. This is my season. This year it hasn't been until a few days ago. No longer on Latuda I have found energy and drive to do the things I have been dying to do.

Here is the triggering part.

I recently laid out at the pool and sure enough I was once again sunburnt. But I noticed something I had in my previous burns (2)  is that my scars on my left arm bore a red tint bringing them almost back to life. They were so dominant that looking at my arm even for the slightest second made me feel so uncomfortable.  Now that the redness of the skin has subsided the marks return to their white state, but again, with tanned skin they are more prominent.

At this point, I have been have flashbacks and find everything triggering that I want to self-harm all over again. So far I have managed not to but I watched the TWLOHA movie for the first time and I had no idea I would be triggered so much that I couldn't finish the movie. I know Renee's story so it isn't like I missed anything. I just found it all too much to continue to watch as she held the same blades I used and it was all just so breath-taking that I had to go sit with my Bible to get my mind back on track.

We must be vigilant in our recovery not to become so overwhelmed that we are one step way too close to starting the cycle all over. You are loved. We are all loved and we are not alone as TWLOHA is based upon.

My summer is getting better though it is quickly ending. There will be plenty of fun-filled days that lay ahead and I can't wait to share them with you.