Go Back to 10 Feb 2014

My brain feels empty like there is only air and vast land. After taking my Seroquel (400xr mg) within an hour I am tired and remain zombie like in state until my body meets my empty mind.

I feel, see, taste, touch, think and so forth. I go to work for three hours, enjoying the chaos that working as a cook in a school is. Yes, chaotic but only in a few moments in a few days, do I have a very difficult time keeping calm and not letting my mind ruin my job.

I function as a human does but my mind (brain) seems to belong to something other than me. I can walk from room to room without and reason, no cognitive function helping me to remember my electronic cords when I go to fetch them. I have horrible times trying to retain information at work and school/ spiritual work.

I want to believe this is a long phase shifting with the winter weather. At times I wonder what would happen if I stopped taking my meds. Not the direct, abrupt, cessation of my meds, but that of tapering off. But what about my job? For once I have something I worked so hard to achieve, but my diseased brain wants to break down and return to hospital.

I am tired, I am empty, and I don't know what to do. Do I really have Bipolar Disorder or am I just broken and unfixable?? Do I live or do I die?? My brain feels like a vast waste land, thoughts there and gone no one thing sticks, nothing.

I wonder if I remove this "numbness" by blades maybe I can feel okay, alive, and normal.