My brain feels empty like there is only air and vast land. After taking my Seroquel (400xr mg) within an hour I am tired and remain zombie like in state until my body meets my empty mind.
I feel, see, taste, touch, think and so forth. I go to work for three hours, enjoying the chaos that working as a cook in a school is. Yes, chaotic but only in a few moments in a few days, do I have a very difficult time keeping calm and not letting my mind ruin my job.
I function as a human does but my mind (brain) seems to belong to something other than me. I can walk from room to room without and reason, no cognitive function helping me to remember my electronic cords when I go to fetch them. I have horrible times trying to retain information at work and school/ spiritual work.
I want to believe this is a long phase shifting with the winter weather. At times I wonder what would happen if I stopped taking my meds. Not the direct, abrupt, cessation of my meds, but that of tapering off. But what about my job? For once I have something I worked so hard to achieve, but my diseased brain wants to break down and return to hospital.
I am tired, I am empty, and I don't know what to do. Do I really have Bipolar Disorder or am I just broken and unfixable?? Do I live or do I die?? My brain feels like a vast waste land, thoughts there and gone no one thing sticks, nothing.
I wonder if I remove this "numbness" by blades maybe I can feel okay, alive, and normal.
Thursday, 14 May 2015
Lost For Words
I haven't blogged much of anything for a long while. As you can tell by the title I just haven't had the particular words to type. Much less have I had anything coherent to talk about. I know there are a few websites that handle "generate blog subjects" that you can write about but this is my blog and I don't see the need to go to a website to create content for this. I want this blog to flourish but it seems that this thing is just failing.
So my idea is that I would like to take some of my old blogs from the Xanga days and post them here as a "look back" and see how far I have come. I hope that all of you will like that idea.
If not please, please give me some ideas.
So my idea is that I would like to take some of my old blogs from the Xanga days and post them here as a "look back" and see how far I have come. I hope that all of you will like that idea.
If not please, please give me some ideas.
Wednesday, 22 April 2015
Anger or Something More
The more I think, the more I wonder just what my life is. How are my emotions related to my moods; and how those moods relate to the bipolar disorder and which are just normal human being things.
Anger has been an issue. Yes, I am under a lot of stress, familial wise and just life in general. I feel angry at the world not just at one person but just angry all the time. I hate the person driving in front or behind me. I am pissed at Greg and that is no way to treat your significant other. I take a lot of frustration out on our relationship not expecting consequences let alone how he feels.
How can I determine if this is all stress related or is this anger a deep seeded issue that not even medicine can tame??
What do I do? I see a therapist but she isn't like a real clinical psychologist so all we do is "shoot the breeze." I talk but more times than not I feel like I am talking to a wall. I know, "change therapist..." well in this area it is not always easy to find someone who can take a new patient within the confines of our tri-county area. I would love it if I had a therapist who would take what I say and create worksheets and "assignments" for me to process what I am going through. I am bored with just a simple "chat" session with no results. I mean come on seeing her for three years and I can't find a single thing that has really been a successful session that I was able to take away something useful.
Am I just an angry person that is stuck in a situation of rat on a wheel??? Is the anger a form a depression that is more out-ward than inward?
What steps do I take to talk to my spouse and help him understand that I am not mad at him, just the world????
I am so lost as to whether it is disorder or just another character defect that I am too lazy to work on.
Help... Please....
Anger has been an issue. Yes, I am under a lot of stress, familial wise and just life in general. I feel angry at the world not just at one person but just angry all the time. I hate the person driving in front or behind me. I am pissed at Greg and that is no way to treat your significant other. I take a lot of frustration out on our relationship not expecting consequences let alone how he feels.
How can I determine if this is all stress related or is this anger a deep seeded issue that not even medicine can tame??
What do I do? I see a therapist but she isn't like a real clinical psychologist so all we do is "shoot the breeze." I talk but more times than not I feel like I am talking to a wall. I know, "change therapist..." well in this area it is not always easy to find someone who can take a new patient within the confines of our tri-county area. I would love it if I had a therapist who would take what I say and create worksheets and "assignments" for me to process what I am going through. I am bored with just a simple "chat" session with no results. I mean come on seeing her for three years and I can't find a single thing that has really been a successful session that I was able to take away something useful.
Am I just an angry person that is stuck in a situation of rat on a wheel??? Is the anger a form a depression that is more out-ward than inward?
What steps do I take to talk to my spouse and help him understand that I am not mad at him, just the world????
I am so lost as to whether it is disorder or just another character defect that I am too lazy to work on.
Help... Please....
Saturday, 11 April 2015
Wednesday, 1 April 2015
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