GlossyBox Feb 2016

Adele Carpool Karaoke

Empties and Disappointments

Seroquel xr : The adventures of taking medicine

I have been on Seroquel xr for almost I believe four years now. My doctor and I have it down to a science that when I need a medication stabilization it is the dose of the Seroquel that makes the most impact. I have had very few side effects and over the years I believe that truly the only negative side effect that I have had to come to terms with is the weight gain.

A down side for me and Seroquel right now is that I have no pcnp or actual psychiatrist. I am pretty much in a limbo situation as the clinic is trying to affiliate a full time in house psychiatrist. I know myself very well and given my current family circumstances my medicine needs to be adjusted but to what degree do I have in knowing if I am depressed but functioning quite well or if I am just mentally at my limit. I don't know where to go from here. I want my first psychiatrist to come back and help me figure out life again because right now all I am doing is existing. I go to work and try to be a functioning adult. However, I come home and either crash or I have an extensive list of things to accomplish before the sunsets.

My brain feels overwhelmed and I am not sure if the Seroquel dosage needs adjusted or if I am simply at my limit. There are moments when I really want to revert back to old coping skills but I know that if I can get a professional to see me and realize I know myself enough to configure that Seroquel is the medicine that we can adjust and cause everything to stabilize.

All I want is for someone to tell me why I feel the way I do. I just want someone to tell me how to fix this.

Seroquel makes me extremely tired. however, after taking my nightly dose, I am still able to write this blog post with droopy eyes and a sleeping song lulling me into the end of the night I must go. I needed to breathe a little and putting it out there with my one medicine of many that I take will help me function a little more properly. Good night all.

Unboxing Glossy Box January 2016

Such an Opposite

To me, de-cluttering and having a sort through, would be therapeutic and a stress revealer, but it has been so stressful and upsetting that doing a small simple task makes me upset, pissy, and just mean. I don't mean to say "what" in a negative harsh tone. I simply am trying to focus on the few things my brain can seem to focus on and then, when interrupted, I tend to throw a "what" in a rude way even when I am just simply asking what. 

I always found it very therapeutic to go through my clothes and get them in the wash and put away. Now I look at the pile growing and then overflowing the hamper and I just get angry and sad because I feel like I am failing as a human being. Like, I feel at this point in my life laundry and tidying up shouldn't be such a chore that would create such a mental break down as I have been experiencing. 

How did I become so opposite? When did de-cluttering your life become more stressful than leaving it a mess? Am I in a depressed state that I don't want to recognise, let alone admit to it? Every little task seems to be overwhelming and just the thought of taking the laundry out and putting it away makes me want to scream and yell but to no avail. It is not someone else's responsibility to hang up my two jumpers and three work shirts. Heck, that as I am typing seems so insignificant but doing it makes me feel so weak and frustrated. What is wrong with me? What has happened?

Can someone please help me? I'm drowning and I'm too tired to keep afloat. 

 

Trying to Love My Body

Those who read this may know about my past or most will be learning my story as you continue to read on. As most girls who start puberty around the age of eleven (11) or twelve (12) I started to notice my body more. Today at age 25 I still look in the mirror trying to always find something that has yet to come. Self Acceptance. 

Eating disorders start early and, if you are lucky, caught early can be "cured" at a faster rate. I'm 25 and am still in the midst of the battle. No, I'm not a stick. I was. Now I am on the other end of the spectrum. I cannot win for losing. I made my mate buy me a two (2) year subscription to our local 24 hour gym. However, within these two years, I have collectively only spent seven months using this gym to it's semi-fullest. I gave up. I didn't see any results and I didn't have a trainer to ask what I was doing wrong. For so many years I ran miles a day and was tiny and fit and now, now, I'm just some girl who has a gym membership that doesn't use it and completely hates her own reflection. I swore to myself I would never be that "national average woman" and yet that is the statistic that I have become. 

A class mate has been a sales rep for It Works! and I finally decided to give this a go. Why not? It's not like I have bought in to the diet fad of pills, powders, and the own punishment to my body. So far I have just taken off my second wrap. Yay?? or Nah???  Well right now my body is adjusting to this product and so far in my eyes I have not seen a change in anything. Now it is 9:02 p.m. so the morning my bring a surprise to my eyes. If not I still have six more Wraps to throw my hope into. 

This year I want to become happy with me. Not with the face of make-up I wear and the clothes that try to conceal my body. I want to be a full on bikini on the beach, I don't give a freak what people think. I want that because I've never had the chance to honestly experience that since before puberty. I want to be able to tell my therapist that I am okay with what my body looks like. Right now, I can't. I simply can't. I wear everything I can to hide the fact that I went from a stick to a doughnut.  

I hope this It Works! really does work so that maybe I can get my head together and find a way to accept what I have, be thankful for it, and take better care of it. 

Any concerns can be expressed through comments or if you cannot leave a comment for some reason  you may contact me at:   imagine08aimer@gmail.com  

2016... new year.... new outlook.... new me.