A Cerulean Blue Crayon Type of Day

I feel this tug, this sadness at the edge of my being. As I sit and watch the snow fall its glitter flakes, I am awed and sad.Something is not right. Winter break was meant to be relaxing and finding peace, stabilizing my moods. It has been filled with tears and fears, nothing peaceful nothing in its right place.

The fear of loss, the sadness of something unknown with tears that have no meaning. Panic, panicking in the stores, claustrophobic in my winter coat, scared to drive country roads because the "hills" make me feel like I am on a roller coaster. Fear that came from nowhere and has chosen to stay.

With all of this during winter break I found out that I am losing my financial aide for schooling just shy of my graduating. I must file an appeal, I have two letters from my psychiatrist and therapist, all in hopes that this may be the one way to save what dignity I have left.

However: "There is nothing worse in the world than thinking you have a chance when you really don't."

Maybe this is where the fear lays. Maybe this is the end, nothing left nothing more.

They say this isn't depression, but I know how it starts and once it begins there is no stopping it. Nothing to combat the darkness, not tanning beds, not sun, not more medication/ change in medication, nothing.

Where did this come from? Where is it taking me?

Doctor Who has been the one saving grace to find myself in a new world where I can believe that we can all be saved, we can all see the most interesting things. It brings me to a place of comfort.

There is only one other and right now he is sick, very sick, and I know that some of that fear is liked to the fear that I will lose him just like I have lost everyone else.

"Some live a whole life time in 20 years than some do in 80. It is not the time, it is the person."  Maybe this is my ending. Not to say morbid and odd things but it is so true that the things I have seen and lived through most don't experience until they are much older.

All I ever have asked is to be understood. Not judged, not criticised, just loved. Obviously, this is too much to ask for. For when I ask, I lose the ones I love. I lose friends, family, and relationships. I am finished asking.