We Were Meant to Bend Not Break

How much more can I take, or shall I say, allow myself to go through? Lies after lies and instead of walking away I stay; always hoping that we might take the lighter path. Wordlessly looking around trying to figure things out. Why is the phone off? Did the phone die or was the lie too shaming to admit to? Maybe this is all just nonsense. So why the tears?  Are they of fear, heartache, or anger? Could the tears be that of foolishness realised?

We all start with good intentions, protecting one another, but knowing that we must all face pain in order to understand joy. I have had every pain possible, I have had joy abundant, and right now all I have is this. All I have is this silence, no straight honest answer, nothing.

I have loved and I have lost. I don't want to lose this time, but if I do, I want it to be on my terms. I want the answer behind the painted face. It is simple, all I want to know is if all of this love and compassion was not in vain.

Life has so many lessons to teach us but I am quite sure my lessons are simply repeats now. Lessons that teach you to love unconditionally only for that love to be torn by many things, especially, death. That is what this feels like. That I am grieving the loss of something I haven't even begun to lose. May my mind be playing in parallel world or am I just preparing myself to have to say goodbye.

All I ask is for the answer. I want the truth. I want to live one day, just one day, without feeling this grief, this loss. All I want is peace of mind that all will be well. But for tonight I am absolutely sure, a silent phone means there is a lie and it is going to kill him. Tonight he may take his last hit, his last breath of air and he never said goodbye. Like everyone else that I have loved and lost, goodbye was the one word I never got to properly say. It was always too late. Hope makes me believe that it won't be tonight, but my heart and mind tell me different.