Sad start to Valentines

At 1:07 a.m. I am sitting here so hyper, sad, hyper, agitated. Up, down and all around is what I feel tonight. I can't sleep. I took my meds but somehow, something didn't get shut down. Tears come and then I become angry w/myself for crying when I could be awake doing things like homework.

This whole picture is wrong. Medicine take, "normally" so why tonight? I mean I work a 9:45 a.m. so being awake at this hour is going to be a real issue in the later hours of today.

Someone save me... find me the key to unlock the answer. I am drowning in this mixed bowl that isn't made for baking cakes.

10 Feb 2014

My brain feels empty like there is only air and vast land. After taking my medicine within an hour I am tired and remain zombie like in state until my body meets my empty mind.

I feel, see, taste, touch, think, and so forth. I go to work for three hours, enjoying the chaos that working as a cook in a school is. Yes, chaotic but only in a few moments on few days, do I have a very difficult time keeping calm and not letting my mind ruin my job.

I function as a human does but my mind (brain) seems to belong to something other than me. I can walk from room to room without any reason, no cognitive function helping me to remember my electronic when I go to fetch them. I have horrible times trying to retain information at work and school and spiritually.

I want to believe this is a long phase shifting with the winter weather. At times I wonder what would happen if I stopped taking my meds. Not the direct, abrupt cessation of meds, but that of tapering off.
But what about my job? For once I have something I worked so hard to achieve, but my disordered brain wants to break down and return to hospital.

I am tired, I am empty, and I don't know what to do. Do I really have Bipolar disorder or am I just broken and unfixable? Do I live or do I die?
My brain feels like a vast waste land of air, thoughts there and gone, no one thing sticks to anything. I wonder if I remover this "numbness" by a bad choice would I then find myself feeling much better, alive, and "normal".

My moods are playing on the swing sets again

Bipolar disorder II now becomes BD I with rapid cycling "mixed episodes". Moods change variably throughout the day and one day all moods, feelings, emotions come together to have a party in your brain without your consent and you have a meltdown.... Plan A... increase Seroquel XR 400mg to XR 600mg. If this does not work Plan B is to add an additional 100mg dose of lamictal in the afternoon, increasing my lamictal from 300mg to 400mg.... OR Place C.... If all else fails we will try and new antidepressant.

New vlog... winter is hitting very hard this year. Temperatures are struggling to be above 0 degrees f. Snow is around ten inches. Tired of being stuck inside with limited things to be occupied with. At least I am getting homework finished.

Hope all of you are having a better time with the weather and if not at least we are all in this together. :) xxxx
http://youtu.be/wDkZPca21BM

A Cerulean Blue Crayon Type of Day

I feel this tug, this sadness at the edge of my being. As I sit and watch the snow fall its glitter flakes, I am awed and sad.Something is not right. Winter break was meant to be relaxing and finding peace, stabilizing my moods. It has been filled with tears and fears, nothing peaceful nothing in its right place.

The fear of loss, the sadness of something unknown with tears that have no meaning. Panic, panicking in the stores, claustrophobic in my winter coat, scared to drive country roads because the "hills" make me feel like I am on a roller coaster. Fear that came from nowhere and has chosen to stay.

With all of this during winter break I found out that I am losing my financial aide for schooling just shy of my graduating. I must file an appeal, I have two letters from my psychiatrist and therapist, all in hopes that this may be the one way to save what dignity I have left.

However: "There is nothing worse in the world than thinking you have a chance when you really don't."

Maybe this is where the fear lays. Maybe this is the end, nothing left nothing more.

They say this isn't depression, but I know how it starts and once it begins there is no stopping it. Nothing to combat the darkness, not tanning beds, not sun, not more medication/ change in medication, nothing.

Where did this come from? Where is it taking me?

Doctor Who has been the one saving grace to find myself in a new world where I can believe that we can all be saved, we can all see the most interesting things. It brings me to a place of comfort.

There is only one other and right now he is sick, very sick, and I know that some of that fear is liked to the fear that I will lose him just like I have lost everyone else.

"Some live a whole life time in 20 years than some do in 80. It is not the time, it is the person."  Maybe this is my ending. Not to say morbid and odd things but it is so true that the things I have seen and lived through most don't experience until they are much older.

All I ever have asked is to be understood. Not judged, not criticised, just loved. Obviously, this is too much to ask for. For when I ask, I lose the ones I love. I lose friends, family, and relationships. I am finished asking.

We Were Meant to Bend Not Break

How much more can I take, or shall I say, allow myself to go through? Lies after lies and instead of walking away I stay; always hoping that we might take the lighter path. Wordlessly looking around trying to figure things out. Why is the phone off? Did the phone die or was the lie too shaming to admit to? Maybe this is all just nonsense. So why the tears?  Are they of fear, heartache, or anger? Could the tears be that of foolishness realised?

We all start with good intentions, protecting one another, but knowing that we must all face pain in order to understand joy. I have had every pain possible, I have had joy abundant, and right now all I have is this. All I have is this silence, no straight honest answer, nothing.

I have loved and I have lost. I don't want to lose this time, but if I do, I want it to be on my terms. I want the answer behind the painted face. It is simple, all I want to know is if all of this love and compassion was not in vain.

Life has so many lessons to teach us but I am quite sure my lessons are simply repeats now. Lessons that teach you to love unconditionally only for that love to be torn by many things, especially, death. That is what this feels like. That I am grieving the loss of something I haven't even begun to lose. May my mind be playing in parallel world or am I just preparing myself to have to say goodbye.

All I ask is for the answer. I want the truth. I want to live one day, just one day, without feeling this grief, this loss. All I want is peace of mind that all will be well. But for tonight I am absolutely sure, a silent phone means there is a lie and it is going to kill him. Tonight he may take his last hit, his last breath of air and he never said goodbye. Like everyone else that I have loved and lost, goodbye was the one word I never got to properly say. It was always too late. Hope makes me believe that it won't be tonight, but my heart and mind tell me different.

Look back at 2013 Ellie Goulding - Explosions